Blog

---

Living in the present moment with acceptance and attention to what is  might be described as living mindfully. Mindfulness is often  misunderstood. Many believe it to be a meditation practice when  actually, meditation is the practice of mindfulness. Meditation is  simply a way to cultivate mindfulness in our lives, the true essence of  which is a way of living – awake, aware, and available to what is, to  the possibilities of NOW. It is the willingness to live in the present  and to accept it without judgment.

If we are unhappy with the state of our self, our life, and our  circumstances, why would anyone suggest that NOW is the place to bring  our attention? First off, the ability to be in the present with  acceptance will allow us to see our circumstances with clarity and to  solve problems effectively. If we can’t see things for what they are,  then it is unlikely that we will be able to create the life we truly  want.

And secondly, the present is where the richness of life lies. Being  human means feeling; and feeling requires showing up for our  experiences. If we are willing to experience being human we will likely  have our share of sadness, anger, fear, disgust, and envy. But it is  through our willingness to be truly human –and experience the full  continuum of emotion – that we will also be available for the  possibility of joy in our life. If we show up for the present and allow  it to be what it is, we will be there when the potential for a positive  experience makes itself available to us.

If you are someone who has spent most of your time ruminating about  the past or worried about the future, then the present is not a place  you are used to being. So how do you get there? A meditation practice  can help but let’s face it, telling someone to start meditating so they  can live a mindful life is like telling someone to start exercising so  they can run a marathon.

Cultivating mindfulness in our life can start out slow and simple.  Notice the smell of coffee in the morning, how the sun feels when it  touches your skin, observe the beauty of nature. Pet your dog, brush  your hair, or hug someone. Stay with the experience, even if just for a  moment, letting go of worry and judgment. Through the repetition of this  practice in one’s life mindfulness begins to unfold. And through this  unfolding a life truly worth living becomes possible.

The experience of intense negative emotions is probably the number  one reason one would seek out mental health services.  That, and the  subsequent problematic behaviors they tend to elicit – anything from not  getting out of bed for weeks on end, to substance abuse, and myriad  other self destructive tendencies.  No doubt negative emotions are  painful and can seriously disrupt our life.  And, if we happen to be an  individual whose emotional experience is intense and unpredictable we  can be particularly bowled over by the unpleasant ones.

So why in the world would DBT suggest that we should love our  emotions – all of them including the not so nice ones?  How could one  possibly love something that causes so much trouble?

There are numerous theories developed to explain emotional experience  in humans – how and why they occur and the order of thought, body  response, and behavior.  However, these theories are of little  consolation when we are suffering.  What can be comforting in  the midst of painful reactions is to understand that emotions are simply  the body’s way to protect and preserve us.  They are like an alarm  system that helps us get our basic human needs met, protect us from  danger, and might even save our life. When our emotional alarm system is  working optimally it motivates us to act, organizes our behavior, and  communicates to others and ourselves vital information about the  situation.  Sounds great, right?

However, we’ve all had that experience of a faulty alarm system, or  one that is activated unnecessarily.  Who hasn’t experienced the  annoyance of a screeching car alarm that got triggered accidentally  while the owner is nowhere in sight (or a very heavy sleeper).  I recall  many a college night spent standing outside my dormitory in the cold  waiting to be let back into my room because the fire alarm had gone off  for no apparent reason (or more likely been set off as a prank).  The  alarm was there to protect us but on those nights created inconvenience,  disruption, and discomfort for no good reason.

Learning to regulate emotions is like learning to live with an  imperfect alarm system.  Instead of reverting to a state of panic and  confusion at the sign of every negative emotion, we learn to step back,  observe, and check the facts of our situation. We learn to tweak the  alarm system so false alarms are less frequent and intense; and to shut  it off and get back to living more quickly even when it does go off  unnecessarily.  We learn to accept our system’s imperfections and work  with it, all the while knowing that it’s at least trying to be helpful.  And maybe at some point, we even learn to love it!

When we moved into our current home there was a pine tree in the  front that had become too tall for the height of the roof’s overhang.   The tip of the tree bent at the top and it looked awkward and overgrown  for the space.  I wanted my husband to pull it out and plant something  more size appropriate for the space since clipping the tips of some  pines can kill them.  My husband suggested we start by clipping it to  make the tree fit the space and see if it survives.  So he did and the  tree survived.

In early spring we found a Blue Jay nest in the pine tree.  As the  tree is only about 7 feet the nest was within our reach and sight.  We  knew it was Blue Jays by the appearance of the eggs and by the daily  Blue Jay sightings in and around the tree.  The nest was meticulously  crafted, something I would be proud to put in my home as a decorative  piece.  Inside the nest were four beautiful speckled, perfectly shaped,  pale blue jewels that mama Blue Jay watched over vigilantly.

My entire family got caught up in the excitement of this miracle of  nature happening before our eyes.  I was nervous that mama Blue Jay  would attack us as we peered into the tree and reveled at her mastery.   However, she never did but would simply watch us from afar.  My husband  was convinced that she knew the sound of our voices and that we were  friend not foe.  We never touched the nest or the eggs, just peered in  and took an occasional photo or movie with the I-phone to share with  friends and family.

Then one day we saw four tiny, bald, open-beaked heads trying to hold  themselves upright long enough to get food.  They had all hatched and  survived.  We watched them in awe over the next several days.  Then when  the weather got hot and swimming became more exciting than bird  watching we forgot about them for a while.  Then a week or so later I  saw my son over at the nest.  “The babies got big” he declared.  And  when I went over to look I could not believe my eyes.  There were four  plump feathered Blue Jays sitting side by side with no room to spare in  what was now a nest barely large enough to house all four of them.  They  sat quietly and seemed unafraid when we approached.  “Hi babies!” I  said.  My son said “I think they know our voices.”

As we stood and peered into the nest I felt so grateful that we had  left the pine for these beautiful creatures.  This tree has brought us  so much joy and appreciation for the world around us and our connection  to it. I guess you never know what potential something has if you don’t  give it a second chance.

September always feels like a great time to make a fresh start.  That  back-to-school mentality gets ingrained in us and, even though we may  be long past school age, we tend to feel that this time of year brings  opportunity for the start of something new.   It’s a chance to get to a  project we’ve been putting off; take steps to achieve some important  goal; or continue with something we’ve put on hold.

This time of year can hold great hope for many of us.  We may be  optimistic that we can accomplish what we set out to do, right past  wrongs, or finally get back on track after languishing the summer away.   We may just be grateful for the change– cool weather, fall foliage and  all of the activities that come with the season.

Regardless of what we’re seeking, there seems to be something about a  fresh start or a new beginning that is tremendously important to our  psyche.  Humans are imperfect by nature; and along with our imperfection  comes the desire to strive to be better, or to get closer to the life  we want.

The question is, how can we do this in a way that is healthy and  balanced and promotes positive change in ourselves and our lives?  How  can we avoid that vicious cycle of perpetual startups with no completion  of anything meaningful?  How can we prevent eventually giving up on new  beginnings because our goals never seem to come to fruition?

One way would be to make goals achievable.  Instead of setting out to  become someone we will never be, we can notice our tendency to set our  expectations unrealistically high and reign ourselves in.  Break goals  down into sub-goals if necessary.  Accomplish smaller things that  contribute to a larger goal.  We also need to recognize when our vision  involves changing things that are out of our control and focus on what is  within our control.  All goals need to begin with a heavy dose of  commitment.  Tell someone about your goal, write it down and post it  somewhere, or sign your own contract.  Whatever you do, make a  conscious, deliberate choice to work on it.  Let’s not forget the  importance of accountability!  Plan how you will be held accountable.   Will it be by another person?  How will you track your progress and  decide if you are on course?  And finally – reinforcement of your  accomplishments is critical.  You must find ways to reward yourself or  to be mindful of the intrinsic rewards that come with your  achievements.  Otherwise you are unlikely to want to continue, or to set  new goals in the future.  It’s human nature – there must be a payoff!

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, is to embrace our imperfection  as we strive to achieve new goals.  We are fallible and, regardless of  how committed we are, we will not be perfect.  The ability to accept  this fact and not throw in the towel will surely get us closer to our  life worth living!